Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
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I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
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Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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