Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
