I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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