He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
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Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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