Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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