dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this beer tastes like vomit already
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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