M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
