hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
