her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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