all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
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He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
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trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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