if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
