I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
