I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize