i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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