Yo dont text me then not text me
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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