Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
