There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
