Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
