is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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