I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
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