Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Randomize
