It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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