I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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