Pants 0. Shit 1.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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