I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Randomize
