It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize