Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
