Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
