She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
