the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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