lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
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Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
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Are we still banned from the library?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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