There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
