So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
