Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
