I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
not ubering you a puppy
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
