My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sex in a hospital.. check
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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