Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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