i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
