Where did you get a picture of my penis
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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