I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
