we have pet lesbian snakes
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
