Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I deserve this hangover.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
