i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
