Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
