with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
