I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
