Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
