Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
