The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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