Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
