This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
