This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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