watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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