It's like God shit irony all over that family
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
