I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Randomize
