so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
